Lucky me?

I don't understand, I really don't.
We say it all the time. We have no control, no real free choice. Christ has done it all. He loved us - me - so much he died so that I could be saved, Me and you and maybe a few others. Lucky me? Christ found me. I did nothing.
Lord I thank you for your grace and mercy in and through my life, but I fail to understand your will for your people. I can only blame this on my fogged portrayal of who you really are.
Father, I do not wish for heaven nearly as much as I desire to know you. I want to understand, yet all man can say is that you are a living paradox... I don't understand how you could have created me for blind servitude and yet let sin enter the world to keep such things from occurring? Or am I wrong about that too?
I fear more than anything, that some how, some way, we think we figured you out. Who you have chosen, and how; your intent, your desire, the final say. We have placed you into a neat little hand book to being saved. All the while we give you credit for leading the "chosen" ones to our handiwork that "you" have inspired through us.
Forgive me for seeding false intent if that is what this sounds like. I simply want to understand what the will of my Father is. I want to know Him.

We are asked to become like you, and yet are told such things are left a mystery? We have placed "foundational" evidence on your justice. I fear you God, but I also fear misleading.

My understanding of my father, is misconstrued by personal circumstance, apathy, and biological flaws. Is there any chance of finding the truth of who you are? Can I truly know who He Is?
all I can find rest in is that

He knows me.